Tired of dreaming.

I'm tired seriously, while i'm stepping into next level of life, where are my choices? I couldn't find my way...

I'm tired, it's so hard to force myself of being this; I'm tired again, it's so easy to get back into that memories as well...

Used to be this, hard to be that... But i'm tired.

I should stop being this, and start to be that... Need to stabilize my life... 


Stop partying every night, stop all those bad habits, I want a normal life, a simple and happy life... it seems easy, but I know it's hard to maintain.

However...
 
Holidays gonna end gonna back soon, i'm wondering is there any chances? And i'm wondering too is that an ending as well? 

he mights don't know, but everything just sealed on my deepest heart, couldn't let go easily...
After get back to NYC, everything here will be just a dream... Again, he mights don't know, but I think i'm in love with him...


I pray and pray... I know it's still a dream at last... Better face the truth, rather than wiping up the tears in the late night.


It is just too exhausted... I need a hug and pls hug me tightly... At least I can feel you when I'm still here...

Fighting

Fighting for my sickness recently, everyday medicine and treatment, but here comes another high fever...FML.

However, don't worry, everything goes well (I think).

No photos sharing for Italy!!! Just attached with 2 photos that taken months ago. Sorry, will update la!

Although I couldn't remember, but I hope I could once a day, because I don't want any part to be blanked in my memory.

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Opss, I gonna off for dinner preparation at Rasa Sayang. I think I need to take a nap first, there is sure another after party plan, I'm freaking tired la!!!


Love,
Ms N

Fake a Smile

What should I response to my sickness now?
Counting the days everyday?
Keep reminding myself how many days I had left?
Counting about how many injections I had put on my skin?

What are the differences of these?

I had faked my smiles,
because... I feel really pain...sorry.

I wish he is here... At least I could be stronger.

Unfairness

"As long as you were not been RAPED by him", said a person to a girl.

What do you think about this statement? How do you think about it?
Glad? Disappointed?

People are allowed to comment during the incident, but there is no more chance to voice out after the incident. Because you will be scolded, "You raised it up", said another person.

Unfair? Tell me, where is the fairness? Especially he/she is your beloved.

You weep

Girl never count how much had she paid,
even though she knew it is hard and she never quit.

There is always some madness in love,
but there is also always some reason in madness.

Guys think girls always angry for fun or nothing,
but guys never think that there is always some reason in madness.
Guys think girls always unreasonable,
but guys never pay efforts to find what is the reason.

You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see,
but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.

Guys blame girls always think too much on non-sense,
but guys never think that sometimes it is their problems.
Guys request girls for stop talking or thinking for some problems,
but guys never think that the problem is still there even though doing nothing.

The one who loves you will make you weep,

you cry, you feel hurt, because of you love him.

Long long once ' I love you ', it does work. 

* but guys feel annoying everytime when girls' tears drop, wtf.

I love my dear too. And he knows.

Every Breath You Take

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Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you

Oh, can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you

Since you've gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but its you I cant replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby, please...

Oh, can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every breath you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
I'll be watching you

Every move you make
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

I'll be watching you
I'll be watching you
I'll be watching you
I'll be watching you

#

I love this song so much, which successfully influenced many of them. XD

The Police, I just know the only song. Seriously, I don't really know who are them, but at least I know the meaning of this song. As long as people can understand my feeling through this love song. 

I hope you too. 

Regret or not?

Should I feel regret about it?

Finally, I had stopped what should happened, but why I didn't get any happiness now?
Trouble had been happened, what else I can do?

Ignore? Forget? Let go? 
These are what I used to do,
thought to get some comforts after the truth,
but actually I think too much, should be nothing at last...

I regret about the truth, but never for what had been happened,
although it is a nightmare, 
but sealed in my heart, 
never get away...

I believe

I believe, I know, I will be okay...

I become fearless, because of you,

Although... the process of it will be a little bit tough...

I do believe... and I pray...

I will be okay... Don't you think so?

I'm really tired

Back from GMC. Feel tired seriously.

I gonna do something important tomorrow, but now i totally have no idea. God, save me pls... 

When I lost contact this whole day, people keep calling and text me to my handphone, but when I replied the calls and messages, the content just like care about himself. 

Yes, i'm crying heavily right now. Why? Because I can't afford this kind of feeling anymore, once and once, never stopped. I keep giving chances, but people thought there is another chances waiting for him next. 

I'm sad, i'm disappointed. Human are selfish, just know to think about himself/herself. Didn't know what the other side needs and wants. They do not know about their bad attitudes will just make things more even worst and the other side suffer. 

No more chances for this kind of people. I'm really tired, I really feel enough. And, they won't care.

 

Twenty Ten

Nicole is back!!! Back to my bloggy.

Just came back from my best friend's wedding, so tired... Actually it started since last night, boh-eng whole night seriously. I need a break.

Going for New Year Celebration 2010 later, liquor still, but I don't think you guys will see me at any clubs later. Countdown at home. 

Twenty Ten (2010), I know it is not really the best year, but i'm waiting for it's coming. Will update my blog soon. 

Rest now, crazy later.

Off

Nicole needs to off for few days.

Will update the blog as soon as possible.

Hope everything will be okay.

Anything just leave her messages, Sorry for anyone who can't reach her.

God bless.

People are selfish

Chest pain, it comes so frequent these few days. But, what makes me pain the most is there is no one really listening to me. Even there are someone really listening, but their mind are fulled with blaming...

I don't mind about chest pain, what i mind is care. I admit that i'm in bad mood now, and my chest pain seriously, feel like fainted anytime.

I'm wondering that why people are so selfish? I hardly mention about my sick recently, but people treat it as i'm recovering. Anyhow, I already done what am I supposed to do, I will leave soon. When i'm not here, I hope that there is no one will remember me.

People are selfish, when they need you, they will do anything for you, to fulfill you, because they need your helps; but when they no need you, they will not even find you or call you. 

When you need them, who cares? They are just pretending and lying you all the time.

'PEOPLE', don't wait until can't find someone when he/she is not here anymore, when he/she is left only realized about importance, let me tell you, it is too late...

Goodnight

Unforgivable

My parent just came back from TianJin last night, there are a lot of souveniers from China, except me. I get 2 bottles of Absolute from KLIA. I think I should feel happy, at least I got it.

And, I was scalded by boiled oil last night, it is pain, even now. What a bad day? But, who cares?

Today, I get this from my dad.

Why I will get this? Because I told my dad I like this brand, Sean John Fragrances. My dad bought it because of he bought nothing for me from China. But why I like this brand? 

It is because someone told me about Sean John, and he is using it too. The fragrance name 'Unforgivable'...

Today, I get this, it is like a story behind, it is really unforgivable... Like fate...It is likes predestine... 

I do like this fragrance. However, it appeared in the inappropriate time...

It makes my tear dropping...

Starting from now

Today, I went to church with my roommate, Ivana. I pray for everything, my studies, health, for those people who love, I just pray. I wish everything will be okay, tomorrow will be another good day, I believe.

I just received a message from dear, he is busy+ing with her late cousin's funeral. He is sad to see all of his family members are crying heavily in the funeral. One of his cousin sister was fainted after cried. Although i'm not there, but I really can feel that how close the relationship there are.

My heart is pain suddenly, I believe that there is no one like to see any of his/her family member leave away, the feeling is hard to describe, especially in this case.

There are still got many things we can do right now. We refused to do many thing in the past, maybe we have not be ready yet, maybe we hate to do so, but one thing is time keeps running every moment, we can't even stop the time.

For example, I took a nap from 3pm to 5pm in 11 October 2009, that's mean there is no more 3pm to 5pm in 11 October 2009 anymore in future. Time can be past easily, we regret in past. However, we can turn the regret into appreciate start from now. We can capture every moment start from now.

These few days my emotion is up and down again, I just didn't show it, because I know dear is sad right now, I shouldn't bother him anymore. Nicole loves to cry, but she enjoys the feeling after cry, because there is another good day to her again.

There is nothing stronger than willingness. As long as we want to do, we are willing to do, I don't think we will get a bad result at last.

I'm waiting for dear's message all the time, although dear is busy, I can't get his messages sometimes, but once I had received his messages, I feel appreciate, because he is still there for me, he is still by my side.


That's all for today.

God bless you.


Goodnight.

Life is short

Something happened early in the yesterday morning, scared me when I just woke up and still in a sleepy face. Dear's eldest cousin brother suddenly passed away in the early morning...
With a unreasonable reason... I think I should say no reason.

He is just 31 years old, and has 2 little kids with a wife, everything was too sudden, no one can accept this tragedy. It was not an accident, also not a sick, and there was no any hints before he passed away. He was same with normal people, watched tv until late night before slept, but he never thought that he wouldn't see his family in the next morning.

Doctor said there is no any problem in his brain and body when he operated it. Anyway, we have to wait for 4 months to get the detail report.

I really don't know what to say when I heard this, I can't go back at the first time, because I got a lot of assignments to due on the following week. What can I do is just pray for him.

I can feel how his family feel right now, because I just lost my dearests in few years before. I understand. Life is really short...

I have learned from this tragedy, we should appreciate everything we got now, we should do whatever we like now, we should care anyone who we love... because we are lucky, we are still alive.
We still have abilities to love, care, talk... There are what we got right now.

Life is not under our control, we try to run our life, but not stop, to make it prettier, meaningful. We might loss anything in the next morning, we should start to appreciate by today, or learn it starting from now.

You should feel happy when your door alarm is ringing or open, because maybe your lovely family members are back, because they are still by your side. For couples, you should feel happy too when your partner always argue with you, because it shows that there is another person care about you.

Again, life is short, I want to shout it out here.

I LOVE YOU, DEAR!!! I'm happy that you're still by my side, we can't avoid arguments, but at least we love each other. Yes, we are the lucky one.

I hope everyone will appreciate what we got right now, we don't like this word ' regret '.


Love

Bitch of the bitches

What should I blog today? Keep on thinking today, feel like want to update my blog, but there is no title. 

I'm sick, head is heavy, feel uncomfortable. 

Don't know what to do.

However, there are something so annoying these few days. Since those busybody people are always reading my blog, then I won't keep it as secret, I will shout it out here!!! You know who you are. 

First, thx for reading my blog, those kepo ji. I know you care about what had happened between me and dear, you are desperately to get to know it. Don't worry, I will just write it all here as much as I can, to fulfill your needs!!!

You are waiting to see something bad happen, I know it, bitchy!!! 

Second, this is special for my college's friend. I had mentioned so many times that I got boyfriend, please don't disturb me. Not for the guy, but girl. Yea, i'm talking about you. Stop guessing and acting. I have a good relationship with my dear, I no need to find any opportunity cost for any of the relationship, it really sounds like my lecturer teaching marketing concept!!!

Stop pretenting and acting, you are so disgusting!!!

I'm wondering why all are bitches, and like to do all stupid and terrible things. Can you all go away from my life? Maybe I can't understand you all, because you all are doing something which normal people wouldn't do!!! As I said, you are bitch!!!

 Don't always link your ex with me, i'm not so free to play with you. Don't forget, I never do anything wrong in this problem, you might be the victim, but i'm the poor innocent party!!! Your attitudes are so annoying, better tie up your ex if you still keep dreaming about he is yours!!!

These are what you are, Spoil my mood!!!

Goodnight.

For you, my dad

Do ur relationship with your dad is good? Maybe you are, but most of the people will same with me, me and my dad relationship is too bad. 

Sometimes I really don't understand what are the parents thinking now. They did somethings which for us by their behalf, but they never think that it's whether really good for us or not. 

I never understand that why parents can't even understand what we are thinking about. As they said, I just know to blame them for everything. As i'm so far away with them right now, they don't even care or think about what I need here, just keep on giving me money, that's all.  

At the end, when i'm facing problems here, and I told them, they never think to help me or even give me a solution. The opposite, they scolded me that i'm blaming them for those non-sense. It there makes sence? 

I'm facing this problem with long time ago, and I can't get any solution to solve our relationship. I'm disappointed with dad, which he never listen to me even one word. 

And one more thing, he likes to say : " you come out with the same topic as your mom." I hate people say me like this. He is blaming my mom anyway, it shows that he is right, but not us. 

Everyone has to listen to him, even just a little problem. 

Dad, I don't think you really understand our feeling, you always say we don't know what we really want, but, do you know about what are you really want now? You are selfish, controlling all of us. 

 

And I wanted to go home, but you keep on saying that I back home to frequent. When I say I don't want go home, you will say that I don't care our family. Just one word, i'm so disappointed with you. 

 

I'm sad totally with your selfish attitude. I'm your daughter but not a product...

It is from Tarc

My boring Saturday night, recall so many things of my life. Everything likes come out again. I miss my previous life. It is enjoyable...

I got so many sweet and sad memories during Tarc. No matter what, there are memorable. My life likes a drama, there are so many happenings. Although some of the memories made me sad, but it really made me growth.

During Tarc, I started to know how to appreciate friendship, because it's included Love. My best friends, which are from Tarc mostly, I love them, I think they love me too.

Tarc, I met my dear, my TopMan, the 4 of my best friends. They all gave me a lot of funs and smiles. They might don't know how I appreciate the friendship, but they never left me when I need them. This is how we called Friendship forever.

We took breakfast, lunch, dinner, sometimes maybe supper together, from Tanjung Bungah until Penang Road, even we left 1 hour break time. At the end, we lated to class, but it was in a excited journey. Hahahaha... really miss it.

 

Don't know why, we love to stick together. Gossip gossip, our favourite. Even my TopMan, we always gossip at everywhere, eating, driving, studying... Miss them so much. And dear, I think no need to say, because we used to stick together, everyone knew it. Hahaha...

 

Time, can you stop for awhile? Let me enjoy the moments, because I don't want to skip anything with them. 

That's all for my boring Saturday night, all non-sense. I know.

p/s: Tuesday comes faster please...

Ms.N

Love >>> Again

We discuss this topic for so many times before, what do you mean by 'LOVE'? It is totally hard to explain by using any words. Love can be happy, but it also can be sad. However, when every time we talk about 'LOVE', it's sure be a sad problem. Trust me.

My best friend, XXX, sure I can't tell you who is her la. Her boyfriend just break up with her few days ago with some stupid reasons ( this is just what I know from her ). But nevermind, she is totally down and sad. Crying non-stop daily, with again and again. I'm so sad when I know about this thing. I know this feeling, it is painful.

She is always a optimistic girl, we always hang out together last time, that's why I said we are best friend. But now, i can't even see her smile and laugh, even her housemates. But luckily she got a lot of friends, which can accompany her all the time, help her to forgo the sadness.

To me, I will chat with her when I free, because we are at different location now. I think this is what i can do for her right now. I hope I can stay by her side now and comfort her as her best friend.

My girl, love is not everything, it is just a part of our life. There are still a lot of friends and family members who care about you much, don't give up easily. I know it is hard to let go, but it's really take time. We all are here, we will support you all the time.

And don't forget, we are best friend forever. Everything will be fine soon. Love you.




Muacks

Tatoo

Do you still remember this song 'Tatoo' by Jordin Sparks? Last night I went dinner with friends, the restaurant was playing this song. It makes me think of many many things.

'Tatoo' shows the sweet and sadness between me and dear. Everytime when I hear this song, I will think so many things, because there are too many things happened in these 2 years. Something sweet, something sad, there are all sealed on my heart. I can't take it off.

Tatoo, just like a tatoo. I always have it. It is invisible, but it's always there.

Penang and Subang is not far actually, almost 3 hours. But for me it is really far, I always thinking that whether Penang's weather is same as Subang? Is dear having the same feeling with me? I wish he tell me how Penang is everyday, but he didn't.

Yea, I admit that I miss him so much, but after I came back from Penang, I really never cry for missing him, because I keep forcing myself not to cry, I should feel enough for what he did for me. I must feel happy of it. And I promised him something, I can't break the promise.

I know someone is going to spoil our relationship, but as I said, there is a tatoo sealed on my heart, it is hard to take it off. A fate, which tied us up, it is tight. There is no ended, because we love each other.


We know we are watching at the same blue sky, breathing at the same air ( but Subang's air is not fresh as Penang ). No matter how long the distance, when we see the invisible tatoo, we will think of each other and missing the otherside secretly.

Miss and Love.




xoxo