Tired of dreaming.

I'm tired seriously, while i'm stepping into next level of life, where are my choices? I couldn't find my way...

I'm tired, it's so hard to force myself of being this; I'm tired again, it's so easy to get back into that memories as well...

Used to be this, hard to be that... But i'm tired.

I should stop being this, and start to be that... Need to stabilize my life... 


Stop partying every night, stop all those bad habits, I want a normal life, a simple and happy life... it seems easy, but I know it's hard to maintain.

However...
 
Holidays gonna end gonna back soon, i'm wondering is there any chances? And i'm wondering too is that an ending as well? 

he mights don't know, but everything just sealed on my deepest heart, couldn't let go easily...
After get back to NYC, everything here will be just a dream... Again, he mights don't know, but I think i'm in love with him...


I pray and pray... I know it's still a dream at last... Better face the truth, rather than wiping up the tears in the late night.


It is just too exhausted... I need a hug and pls hug me tightly... At least I can feel you when I'm still here...

Family, Penang, Malaysia

Can I just keep staying in Malaysia? 

I miss Malaysia, I miss Penang so much... I miss my besties so much...

Or this is what should i say --->> I love my family.

因為愛

 Although I don't really understand what it is talking about, but i wish to share with you


Something really from my deep heart...


有些事情 我也說不明白
想和你在一起 為什麼捨不得分開
或許我軟弱 也害怕失敗
但有你的笑容 就能讓我再站起來

你曾問我是什麼令我對你難以忘懷
我也曾經想過這種感覺說不出來
我現在才明白

因為愛 所以愛 珍惜在一起的愉快
一分開 你不在 懷念空氣裡的對白
因為愛 所以愛 讓我付出我的關懷
不管風吹或日曬 我才明白一切都是因為愛

有些事情 我也說不明白
想和你在一起 為什麼捨不得分開
或許我軟弱 也害怕失敗
但有你的笑容 就能讓我再站起來

你曾問我是什麼令我對你難以忘懷
我也曾經想過這種感覺說不出來
我現在才明白

因為愛 所以愛 珍惜在一起的愉快
一分開 你不在 懷念空氣裡的對白
因為愛 所以愛 讓我付出我的關懷
不管風吹或日曬 我才明白一切都是因為愛

因為愛 所以愛 珍惜在一起的愉快
一分開 你不在 懷念空氣裡的對白
因為愛 所以愛 讓我付出我的關懷
不管風吹或日曬 我才明白一切都是因為愛
*Copy from  erm...don't know which website. Haha...

Everything just because of LOVE...

Drive safe

When I was driving on the bridge, everything comes out in my mind...which is the accident, made everything gone...



Feel so regret, feel so remorse, I blame myself...I totally cannot overcome it.



I never tell, and never voice up to explain my mistake. This is the fact that couldn't be changed. Everything just had sealed on my heart forever...



Drive safe please all my friends, I don't want to lost anyone of you..

Yea, I still crying in the middle of the night, even though it had been happened in 2 weeks ago...




p/s: Babe, i miss you... How I wish you are here right now...

Fake a Smile

What should I response to my sickness now?
Counting the days everyday?
Keep reminding myself how many days I had left?
Counting about how many injections I had put on my skin?

What are the differences of these?

I had faked my smiles,
because... I feel really pain...sorry.

I wish he is here... At least I could be stronger.

Unfairness

"As long as you were not been RAPED by him", said a person to a girl.

What do you think about this statement? How do you think about it?
Glad? Disappointed?

People are allowed to comment during the incident, but there is no more chance to voice out after the incident. Because you will be scolded, "You raised it up", said another person.

Unfair? Tell me, where is the fairness? Especially he/she is your beloved.

25%

Is back in home for only half day and wondering about...
Should I take the risk just for the only 25%?
''Up to you'' they said.
Made me not brave enough to make any decision as well.
Dear, I wish you're here, at least give me a right direction,
at least make the path to be longer...
I miss you a lot.

I'm really tired

Back from GMC. Feel tired seriously.

I gonna do something important tomorrow, but now i totally have no idea. God, save me pls... 

When I lost contact this whole day, people keep calling and text me to my handphone, but when I replied the calls and messages, the content just like care about himself. 

Yes, i'm crying heavily right now. Why? Because I can't afford this kind of feeling anymore, once and once, never stopped. I keep giving chances, but people thought there is another chances waiting for him next. 

I'm sad, i'm disappointed. Human are selfish, just know to think about himself/herself. Didn't know what the other side needs and wants. They do not know about their bad attitudes will just make things more even worst and the other side suffer. 

No more chances for this kind of people. I'm really tired, I really feel enough. And, they won't care.

 

People are selfish

Chest pain, it comes so frequent these few days. But, what makes me pain the most is there is no one really listening to me. Even there are someone really listening, but their mind are fulled with blaming...

I don't mind about chest pain, what i mind is care. I admit that i'm in bad mood now, and my chest pain seriously, feel like fainted anytime.

I'm wondering that why people are so selfish? I hardly mention about my sick recently, but people treat it as i'm recovering. Anyhow, I already done what am I supposed to do, I will leave soon. When i'm not here, I hope that there is no one will remember me.

People are selfish, when they need you, they will do anything for you, to fulfill you, because they need your helps; but when they no need you, they will not even find you or call you. 

When you need them, who cares? They are just pretending and lying you all the time.

'PEOPLE', don't wait until can't find someone when he/she is not here anymore, when he/she is left only realized about importance, let me tell you, it is too late...

Goodnight

Should I go or not?

December is reached, the weather is different, cold and keep raining this few days. Btw, Sunway Carnival Mall is snowing everyday. Hahaha... I can feel that the Christmas is coming.

I'm wondering this year, don't know whether I got chance to celebrate Christmas or not, my sick is so annoying. 

What can I do in 5 years time? Or maybe 1 year? Too short for me. I'm thinking everyday. I hope there are some solutions for me. 

I just want to do something which I like. Italy, I don't think it is a suitable choice for me. But everyone wants me to go, why? 

Tell me please, should I go or not? 50:50, thinking going or not. Everything will be changed if I going. Actually few days ago I already decided that i'm not going, but... something happened, they want me to re-consider again. 

This morning, should be mid-night, I felll down from the stair again, and I have been sent to hospital quickly. Doctor had been warning me that I can't fall down again, but who knows what will happen on next?

Doctor said a lot of things to me, and I know my time is getting lesser, it is really serious, I saw purple, nose bleeding... I know there are so many things I might not do it on time. However, I got my reasons, the reality forces me to do so.

And I know the Italy's weather is less than 5'c, damn cold!!! 

I choose to stay back, because of my dear. I wish to see him everyday while I still can, but something made me so disappointed. And if I going to Italy, who will accompany him all the while. When I choose to go KL for my studies, it was really a wrong decision. I don't want to repeat the selfish mistake again. 

Even I stay back, it is not for my health, but it is for dear. I just want to use my left time to accompany him, at least do something for him. Maybe there will be some miracle happen, but at least I try to do all the things which I like now. No more regret.

I wish he can hear me. I just want to do something for him. This is the only thing which I can do for him.

Tell me, should I go or not?

Is time to off. Although i'm sitting in the mall with doing nth.


Pray.

How to make it bigger?

Nicole is going to bankrupt...

My mood is too bad recently, not because of homesick ( although I do ), but i'm going to bankrupt soon, no doubt, this is a truth.

I just left this little bit of money, I don't how to survive in Subang. Start from now, I need to control my daily expenses, because I really have not much of money now. Sad to say this, it is like keep reminding me. 

This is my first time, I mean going to bankrupt. Don't ask me why, I already told so many times. I more week to go, and today is just only Friday. OMG!!! Kill me please... Everyday Milo + biscuits or Cintan Mee, damn it... Really don't like this kind of life.

However, maybe this is good for me also, Nicole had never stay in this kind of situation, just let her exprience it, good for future also. (Comforting myself)

Hope to go back Penang faster, so that I won't be so suffered. Have you all calculate that how much 1 person needs to spend for 1 week in Subang?? RM 10++, I will try to survive in the following days, pray for me please...

Feel like want to cry, but I not dare to do so, I know dear will scold me. But even I cry, I also can't let him know, he will scold me too. Looking at my RM 10++, what else I can do? 

Dreaming for making it bigger, I need to tie up my little tummy, so that I won't eat so much.

Suddenly feel that life is so hard, or maybe I think so much. But I really feel suffer right now. Again, finding someone to talk to, i'm emo+ing now. 

I want to cry, miss your shoulder and big hug. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't cry, but the tears keep falling without my control.

Goodnight

Nicole is not happy today!!!

It is a raining day today, my mood is getting down and down. 

Nicole is not happy today!!!!!!!!!!!

Suddenly need someone to talk to, but where to find? Dear is doing assignment, best friends are emo-ing in Kampar. Omg! God saves me please...

I know if there is anyone who talk to me now, the person might get scolded. But I still need someone to talk to. 

I'm not the pity one, but I know everyone got his/her own problems, as me too. We need someone to talk to ( actually is need that person to release the emotion,XD ). To help us solve the problems, but i'm wondering now, who can I find and talk to???

 I miss my dear, I miss Penang, I wish to go home, but I know it is impossible.

Trying my best to do well everything, I wish he is always supporting me.

emo night, T.T

Goodnight

Happy 2nd Anniversary

Damn emo today, my mood is not good totally. Just try to make myself busy and busy all the time. And can't even talk nicely to anyone. One word, crazy. Nicole is crazy.

I'm facing too much of the pressure, I can't use to this kind of pressure, everything in my mind is negative, really can't think it nicely. Cry and cry, I know it doesn't work, but I really have no choice. I need something to release my emotion.

At last, I argued with dear. I wish he knows that i'm very suffer from those pressure, I know i'm not the one who having these pressure, but i'm very suffer now. 

Today, 4th Oct 2009 is our 2nd Anniversary. But, dear is celebrating Mooncake festival with his buddies, and i'm blogging alone in hostel. Suddenly feel likes everything is a lie. Something what he did is totally not fair to me. I'm sad.

No celebration for 2nd anniversary, no accompany, what also don't have. Not a very special day, because we are doing something different at the same time. I should say, I'm sad.

Actually I really don't know what to blog today, just random. I'm in depression, who knows it? I don't think anyone know it.

Once I step forward, I think everything will be fine. Oh ya, Nicole is going insane.

Anyway, Happy 2nd Anniversary. I love my dear, I wish... I know he know it.

Goodnight.

Up and Down

Is time to start my emo post again, i just can say, sorry, I really so emo today.

My mood never change into better since the day that I came back from Penang. Yea, you are right, I miss my dear. And I feel pressure enough at Subang. A lot of assignments are waiting for me, all are individual work, wtf!!! 

I'm just like rushing my time in Taylor, just keep doing assignments, everyday assignment and assignment. Maybe i'm not used to this kind of pressure suddenly, the big changes is totally become a pressure for me. 

Degree life is really totally big different with diploma. I can't sleep everyday, and I just force myself to sleep in the middle of the nights recently. Don't know who to find in the late night, don't who should I find in the midnight. I tried to call dear, but we just like made the things more even worst, for example argue.

What should I do when I sleepless in the middle of the nights? Can you all tell me? Although I just came back for 2 days, but its likes 2 weeks already, the time is walking but not running. No matter how busy I made myself, the time is hard to past.

A special feeling, when I was at Penang, I will feel happy and relax no matter how many assignments that i'm handling now. But when i'm at Subang, everything goes wrong, I don't have a clear mind, and hard to see my smile.

I'm getting bad, dear is starting her new college life right now, everyday morning class, that's mean he need to sleep early, but I know sometimes he just want to accompany me and don't want to sleep early. I feel so remorse, and I tried to lie him that i'm going to sleep, so that he will sleep too. However, it is not really work. I was sleepless at the night, but if dear is sleeping, then who should I talk to? 

One more bad thing, I fake my smile, so that dear won't see. It is hard for me, but at least he won't worry me. No matter what am I trying to do now is just not try to make dear worry about me. Because I know he will not happy if i'm not happy too.

Tell me what should I do now okay? I really out of ideas. I don't mind to feel suffer, as long as dear is happy now and ever. I'm his gf which always hurt him into the deepest.

I love my dear, this is a wellknown thing. I don't know what to do to make him feel better. Dear, tell me what should I do to make you feel better...

Tears dropping. I need someone to talk to, but there is no one else...

Night.

' Se Bu De '

The holiday is finished. Back to reality, same case, cry heavily.

I started my way at 4 something, reached Subang at 7 something. On the way back, the day was getting dark and dark, I was so scared, same as now. Drove alone, I thought I can make it, but it shown that I can't in fact. 

I miss my dear, I miss his hug, I miss everything of him. I know he know, I just feel it. We cried before I left just now, this is the 2nd time that I saw dear cry. I feel remorse actually. We are so ' se bu de ' each other, we are going to end our holidays and i'm back to Subang. 

I'm trying to control my tears anytime from now, don't know why, tears dropped easily, i'm not crying, just the tears are dropping. Yea, I'm emo right now.

You all sure think that dear cried is a funny thing, but please don't laugh, this is how I know his feeling. Imagine that your boyfriend is crying in front of you when you are leaving, how do you feel? At the same time, you are so ' se bu de ' him, how are you really feel?

Thanks dear, you gave me wonderful holiday, my days were full with activities everyday. Remember what I told you when I was leaving? The promise, I know we will hold it tight. 

 

I miss you a lot dear, I know you know how I feel right now. 

My heart is pain, but I will listen to you, because it is all your efforts.

I love you dear.

Night.

Sorry

I'm wondering about will my life changes after 1 week? I think so. Everything is different.

I'm so regret, for everything.I know I made a wrong decision. This is a big mistake which I ever do. 

Sorry, for someone who I hurt. I really so regret now. I know you know what I mean.

It is not starting from now, just a period of time before, and I don't want to admit it. I just keep it in my heart.

I'm crying heavily, in my holiday. Suddenly, feel like want to go back to Subang, with tears dropping.

One word, Sorry...

The worst thing

Something happened which made me so down right now, I can't even concentrate on my studies, don't ask me what happened on me, but it is serious, and make me sad to the bottom. The worst thing that I ever met.

I can't imagine what I would be after this, i try don't to think about it, just enjoy the days, but I really can't. My tears keep dropping, nothing can stop my tears right now.

I'm sad, i'm worry, this is the truth, I can't see any smile on my face. I try to be more optimistic, but it is can't work totally.

If you ask me what is the problem that i'm facing now, sorry, I really can't tell you even just a little info. This is the top secret which only can hide it in my heart. No matter who are you, it is a secret still.

If you want to help me, just find someways to make me happy, do something which can make me feel better. I really want to forget all those stupid things and enjoy my life.

Obviously, i'm sad to the bottom, down to the lowest now.I'm crying heavily, but there is no one here.

Good luck to me.

Bye.

Bad day

What a bad day today? Not Friday 13th, should be nothing happen what. But there is really something happened, WTH!!!

First, i'm sick. Gastric, headache, dizzy, for this whole day. After class at 12pm, headed to home and slept till 3 something, but now dizzy still. 

2nd, i'm home alone now. My housemates are going back to hometown for 2 weeks holiday, my roommate is having trial this week, so she moves to her friend's house for her convenient, they scare late to exam, because the exam is at 7am, crazy...I'm eating Mcd alone, sienzzz...

3rd, my lousy handphone is spoilt. I lost all the memory and the contacts in the phone, wth!!! The photos, the messages, all gone. I think is time to change for new handphone already. I just email to my dad, asking him to buy a new handphone for me when I go back this time, I know the percentage and chances is low, but no choice, i have to try still. Otherwise I really will Ki Siao with my stupid and lousy handphone. 

I wish my dad will get my a new handphone la, compliant for so many times, but he keeps saying about my handphone is still new, still functional. Aih... What should I say if he keeps talking about this? But, this time I really beh tahan already!!!! I need a new handphone, my dad!!!

I don't request for too much, at least Nokia E 71 can already. Dad, can you hear me?? I want this phone!!! The current one really spoilt already, trust me!!!

 

Leave me ever after

I'm having gastric right now, it is pain enough. This is not the first time that i'm having gastric, but this time is more serious, I vomit this morning just because of gastric. 

Now is pain also, no words to describe it. And my mood is bad now. I know everytime when something happened to make me emotional, then i will gastric later, included this time. 

I'm wondering why my gastric never get cure start from the first day i get it, it had been few years already, never recover at all. Even how much I controlled on my meals. Just one sentence, I used to it for long time ago.

My roommate is bought me dinner, but i'm paining, no appetite at all. It is pain no matter eat or don't eat. What should I do then? Anyway, i'm crying for it. 

Go away, stupid gastric!!! Leave me ever after!!!

Breaking down

I feel not well today, dizzy and dizzy. My brain is breaking down, I think there is too much things inside my mind, really out of function now.

Today, never miss home, never miss dear, but I cry... Because I can't even concentrate for my studies, slept whole day.

However, I thought of something in my dreams while I was sleeping just now. There were a lot of things appeared in my mind and dream. Something which I didn't think of it for long time ago. It is a sweet memory, but for now I think it will be something which make me feel sad. Because I never know what is ' Cherish ' about that time.

My brain is breaking down. Rest is totally out for me right now.


Crying.