Do I happy now?

Recently i'm very busy, keep doing things, my homework, part time jobs, and take care of my pain. These all make me don't have other time to think other things.

I still remember that last time a person who is very important in my heart told me something,the person said:" DO whatever is happy to yourself, don't do it for others.", these words are always in my mind, it is important for me.

During the Christmas night, a guy text me, he wrote," I know you are not really happy now, why you want to pretend that you are really happy in front of me?" That time i ask myself," DO I really happy now? Or Should I have to happy now?" I have no answer since that night.

I never realize that what have I done before were is for others, but not mine. Even friends, family and also boyfriend. I did much for everyone, but never for me. Since that day the person told me this, i only keep thinking about this problem.

Do I happy now? I really don't know... But some feelings will never go away, until the end.

3 December 2008

I'm not feeling well recently, headache and gastric, some more food poisoning these few days. My body is so weak, now i only know that.

Everyday I just like over slept and late to college. When i reached the college, suddenly make me feel like I want to go back to my house and rest. So suffer when i have some illness. I want to skip the classes, but I can't even do so. The classes are so important, I have to attend it. So, everyday when i reach home, i will be very tired and like out of energy.

Everything likes not running in well, I don't know why... Maybe this semester make me too stress already, everything running in rush, break become a need for me. 24 hours per day is not enough for me also.

But... 'break' for me is extra one. Because I don't want to use my free time to think something stupid, otherwise i will suffer alot.

I break promise to him again. I had promised him that I will go to watch his match on last weekend before, but i didn't do it.I know that he did a good job in the final match, i'm so proud of him, but i have no chance to see the medal anymore. Maybe, he didn't care so much about whether i'm going to his match or not, but i really care about it, just he never know. I never wish that he know what i'm thinking now, because as i said before, i don't know how to face him, and also i have no right to comment even one thing. But, he is always in my deep heart, I will never forget him, my TopMan.

I don't know why everytime when i'm writing my blog, I will think back what he had done for me before. Can I say I miss him? because I really had long time never see him already, and I don't know what he is thinking and doing now. I really miss him.

I want to advise every of my friends, please appreciate what you get now, don't regret when you lost it. When you realize that your time is getting lesser and lesser, you will know that actually not much you can do for the person that you love. And...take good care of yourself, we are still young, the long journey is still in front of us.

X'mas at Starbucks.

Hohoho... Santa Claus is coming to the town...
Oppss... Wrong already, it should be Santa Claus is on the way to the town,hehe...
Christmas is coming soon, everyone is waiting to celebrate Christmas, even Starbucks.

Last Saturday i went Starbucks after my dinner, I saw that there are full with Christmas decorations, make me feel like Santa Claus is almost reaching to Juru Autocity.

I like the special edition mugss,which just special for Christmas, but so expensive!!! I wish i can get one,erm... but who is going to present for me??! aih... He?? Or She?? He will just ask me wait long long la!!! Kek Sim nia.

Not only the mugss, even the drinks also got special for Christmas, but i don't know whether nice or not la, because i haven't try it before.
I love Christmas Day, because it is full with the wishes, from anyone which i love. Christmas is a day for people to get the forgiveness from others. Via Christmas, we can get together with all the friends and family members. It is good for build and maintain the relationship, let it never end...
In my opinion, if there is some free time, you may go to Starbucks and have a cup of coffee, then just sit on the sofa and enjoy it. No even the coffee, you may taste the smell of Christmas or Santa Claus also... especially on weekend's night. Then you will know how did I felt in Starbucks on the Saturday night.

My 3rd time at Seoul Garden.

My 3rd time at Seoul Garden... if i keep eating like what i ate at Seoul Garden, next time you all will not see me this abit fat one Nicole already, you will see a fat Nicole, hahaha... Although I ate alot last night, but it is so enjoyable.


ShunJae's brother >>> Soon Siang and his girlfriend.


Last night i ate alot alot of food, fish balls, chicken slices, veggie and also seafood. They kept taking the food, because it is buffet dinner, means bottomless of food supply.



This is what a family need to do, having the dinner together with happily, even just once per week.

My first time.

My first time...in food court with him(ShunJae).This is my first time which take the dinner with him at food court. My face looks so funny, because this is my first time.

I have been there before, just i seldom go to food court, i don't like the environment. Some of the food court are very dirty and smelly, even in the shopping complex. No matter how their food is delicious or nice, if there is dirty, you will not see my at there.

That day me and ShunJae order 2 plates of chicken rice. There are just a few slices of chicken in the plate with some rice, it just can't fulfill ShunJae's big big stomach.

Actually, food court's food is quite nice if don't care too much. But i think it is not the cup of my tea....hehe... Don't blame me, at least i had tried it. XD

The 28th November 2008.

Today is 28th November 2008, the first day of Men's Waterpolo Malaysian Open 2008, I want to go to give my TopMan supports, but i'm not dare to do so, I don't know how to face him, that's why i scare. I want to know about the result for today's matches, anyone can tell me?

Today also is the day before my dad's birthday, but i have made some mistakes. It made me not happy at all which i thought that i should happy at the time. Dad's birthday, i bought a shirt for him as birthday present. Mom asked me go and buy a cake before i come back, so i brought a beautiful cake(named Opera) for my dad. The cake is full with chocolate, look so nice. But when my mom saw the cake, she say she don't like chocolate, WTF!!!

I'm so angry that time. I don't care about the traffic jam on the Penang Bridge, I straight away rush to Penang and re-buy a new cake which without chocolate to fulfil my mom's WANTS!!!

I just want to give my dad a little and little surprise birthday, but i think there is no more surprise finally.

My emotion is affected by this birthday again, i thought i can have a happy day, but it is so hard for me.

I wish ShunJae is beside me now,i wish he can comfort me now.
I need a hug, I need a shoulder which can let me forget the sadness.

I cried when I was on the way to buy a new cake, everything is not under my control, I'm not happy...
I want to restart my life!!! But i know it is impossible...

Wish he know...

Recently, i kept making myself busy and busy, just try don't to think the stupid things anymore, also the sadness.

I feel so stress, not happy, my emotion not stable, everything likes different already, i don't know who can i tell...

Since i know that, even how much i sad or cry, i also can't change the fact, that is a truth, no body can change it, just... i never try to accept the truth. I'm so stupid, i did something that make me remorse and regret ever after. I always tell myself that i can't think about the past, but i realized that i can't, everything will make me call back the sweet or sad memory, i hate myself which just know to cry.

I have long time never see one of my best best friend already. Although we know each other in a short period, but he treat me very well, which i appreciate it always. I don't know how is his life, I don't how to face him, that are some misunderstanding between me and him. Although I look nothing which that sadness never appear on my face, but i know that is something different...

Perhaps, there is a second chance that can restart my life, i really won't let these all happen in my life, because I don't want to lose a best best friend. I wish he know I'm talking to him, I not dare to call him anymore, I really don't how to face him. But I wish he know my feeling, he is the best for me. I wish he know... My TopMan.

Thanks for everything, the memory is always keep in my heart, for now and ever...
Good luck for your match next week...

HIM>The Very Important Person.

I don't know what is going on this few days, all the problems just like came together... make me can't even breath!!!

I think he is going to break the promise as he promised me before,he said there are too many lies between this relationship.

I cry and cry, but the consequence is still the same, that is a fact, but nobody choose to accept it. He say i'm a trickster, which spoilt the relationship. The sweetness is going to be forgotten, he makes me feel that we are going to end the relationship. He is no longer available...

I miss everything, i miss the warmth, just unforgettable... but he never know it... he say it is a lie toooo. I scare to contact him, but i wish him will contact me, I just want to know what is really going on, what will be happen in this relationship, what is his feeling, even just a lie, i also want to know it.

He need a few days to think, but i can guess what will be happen soon, i know what he is going to do soon, nothing i can change it.

Actually i got many things want to tell him, no more chances i think... He say he never know what am i thinking now, because i choose to tell him soon, just something happen on that Wednesday, the trouble stop my actions...

Too much memories in this relationship, I recall those sweet and sad memories everynight, what i have done for him, he never know... How much I appreciate him or his presents, he also never know.

My heart so pain when i saw the presents,I wish he knows...

I wish he will contact me...
I wish he miss me...
Iwish he can hear me...
I wish he won't forget me...
I wish he can still remember the promises...
I wish everything will be ok soon...
And many and many...

but

I know he is going to leave, to leave me alone ever...

Thx my dearest...

Thx my dearest...
The one who always care about me, but sometimes make me cry also...

The one who always bully me...wuwuwu...T.T

The one who always make me smile when i cry...

The one who always helps me do everything...

The one who many people said that he is a GAY,OMG!!

The one who love me so much...
hahahaha...

I was so shocked when I saw these surprised...

Thank you so much...

The flowers(although I don't like rose la), necklace, and the big siZe Baskin Robbin...(b'cuz I no need to queue up to buy it,XD)

Love it so much!!!

Although my birthday past looong looong time already la, but I still appreciate your presentss...


I promise what i have promised...hahaha...Chieem leh(in hokkien)!!!
Other people don't know one...muahahaha!! Secret, secret!!!

And also MEliSa...the crazy but cute Canadian, thanks her alot too... She is quite different with my friend, because she is crazy enough, but I like this kind of girl.

I wish him(the one who gave me alot of presentss one loR) happy always, pLs...don't bully me again, I will cry one! Wuwuwu... If he is not happy, then how does he makes me smile and laugh when I'm not happy...

I need some attentions.

He makes me feel like he is not trusting me. I'm not really angry,just...disappointed. Maybe... I really not good enough.

No matter what I've I did before, he just like never appreciate it.

I don't like argue with anyone, especially him.

I never skip anyone of his messages, but he just misunderstanding me and said that I don't want to reply his messages. I try to fulfil his request everytime, but i think it is useless, because he never appreciate it.

I thought both of us can keep the relationship without arguing, now i realized that we really can't make it!

I want he feels happy, i never care how much i've did for him, but at least look at me sometimes, I need some attentions.

I Miss YOU

I miss YOU so much, i miss YOU everyday, YOU are always in my heart, I hope that YOU still be here now...

I'm so regret because i never take any photo with her, my lovely late great granny. She leave us more than one year already, i never stop missing her these years. everytime when i miss her, i will cry, this is the way how i miss her.

Before she gone, she was sicked heavily, i was so worried that time, even my family. Everyday when i go to school, i feel so scare, because i scare that she will leave me, i want her, because i miss her. She is a nice great granny, she love everyone of us. I still remember that she always ask me whether i got enough pocket money to use or not, ask me whether still got gastric or not because she know that i always don't want eat on time and many many... That time i felt that she was very FAN, I never try to appreciate what she gave me before, but now... I'm so regret, i always asking myself why I did such stupid things before. I feel bad now, really...

When i still a little girl, she always buy the sweets for me, she just very sayang me, always play with me, buy the toys for me, I will always remember it, she gave me a good memory. When i just get my driving lisence, the first thing that appeared in my mind is I want to fetch my late great granny to many places, but it was too late, she was sicked heavily when i just get the lisence. Sometimes, she can't even remember who am I, i cried... It was so hurt.

Now I realized that i still got many things which i haven't share with her, happiness, sadness...
Can YOU hear me there? Do YOU know that we all miss YOU so much?

I wish...
I can spend more time with her

I can fetch her to many places

I can see her for another day

She can hear me

She can see my picture of graduation

She never leave us

many and many...

I really miss YOU much....

...Buffet...

It looks so nice right? I love the strawberry one, taste quite good...XD

Last few days( Deepavali,I think so...), i went to Ghotel to take the buffet dinner with his family members. The theme of the buffet is Mongolia, which mean all the dishes are related Mongolia. The lamb is so nice!!! But the oysters...Errmm... For me, I think is not soooo fresh la, because it make me VOMIT!!!!

And one more thing, Ghotel's glasses are sooooo nice, cantik sekali...XD
His dad(ShunJae's dad) asked me to take one glass then put into my big bag (mean steal lo.), but sure i didn't do it la, otherwise you all have to visit me in jail already...haha...

I have long time never eat together with parent already, although they are not my real parent, but they make me feel so warm that night, thanks alot... It was so memorable.

Sadness...

I am not happy today, i'm not feeling well, gastric for many days already, but he never concern me (maybe he got, but i can't feel it).

When I on the way back home, i called him, i know he at airport that time but he just give me a cool cool response. he asked me what time is the tomorrow class, i told him at 10am and he told me that he got a replacement class at 11am, so i just ask him to fetch me since i'm not feeling well, but he is rejected me. Suddenly, i feel that i'm really not the most important to him, i think this is a fact. He gave me a reason that our classes time not match, then i said i can wait him, but he said he want to give me more freedom to do my stuff!! Wtf!! I say that i want to wait him, that is because i want to spend more time with him since this few days i don't have time to accompany him.

I don't know what is happening between both of us. I feel that he never know how to maintain the relationship, my heart is pain, really... Tell me that what should I do, I just want to know how does he feel, I want him happy. And... sumthing that i never tell him, i have done many things to try to make him happy, but he just never realize, I also don't want to tell him, because i think keep it as a secret will be much better...

Penang...

Now i only know that Penang is a great place, this is my first time to taste how Penang is. It's really a nice place, and it make me feel that i wish to stay at Penang and I am proud of it. Hahaha... so funny,because i already stayed at Penang around 19 years, now i just realized how beautiful Penang is. Each of the buildings are historical. Today i went to so many places which i never pay attention before, eg:Surname bridges, Jetty, Upper Road, St. George Church... There are so beautiful and memorable...

Well, Penang is a wonderful place, but people may feel bored after shopping and eating, but actually there is more than those that i mentioned, many photographer will come around Penang, and catch the view... it will be a meaningful activity,because that time you will know how Penang is. Tomorrow is Deepavali, but even at Little Indian which located in Penang, not much i can feel the Deepavali mood. Anyway, Happy Deepavali to everyone of you.

Thanks Soon Hee, ShunJae's brother. He is the main character for this trip today, he is also a beginner of photographer, because he just own his SLR not more than one month before. I hope i can spend more time in Penang, because i realized that I love Penang.XD